Professor Snape teachingRE!
by vampire rouge
Summary: Holy hell is unleashed when Snape takes up RE no one is safe Finished
1. introductions

I'm back; this was a story my mate and me came up with in RE so here goes the usual disclaimer applies

On the main corridor of St Nicholas catholic high school there is a room called E2 and if you went to this class you would find the class from hell.

The class had a lot of rowdy boys and sub-normal girls excluding the two at the front Amy and Becca who were just nuts. As ofsted were coming the head teacher decided to replace the teacher with a new one this was his first day.

Amy and Becca were talking about the new teacher "I wonder what they are like… Amy are you listening to me?"

"What oh yeah they could be any one maybe even some fictional person from hell"

"What like professor Sna- "

Becca cut off because their worst fear had come true stood framed in the door was Severus Snape.

This is short but it's only to set the scene more soon.

V.R.


	2. The name game

This chapter has some of the actual answers to a test we had in RE and credit for them goes to Mark Goodwin (Gooders) and Andy Rawlings, if they happen to be reading this thank you!

V.R

Snape walked into the class dressed in a black polar neck a pair of black Levi's and black boots (did you expect any thing else?) and walked to the head of the class. The horrified students sat in awe of this guy; he looked up at them and then empty seat plan.

"Fill this in" he instructed passing it to Becca and Amy who filled it in and passed it back, in their hearts they knew it was only a matter of time until the other names came out.

Ten minutes later the list was handed back to Snape who looked down the list and then at the class, he had read all about muggle cartoons and names before he came and walked over to a boy who looked like Potter only without a scar.

"So Mr Superman you think this is funny, to play jokes on your teachers?"

The boy who was actually called Matthew Stone or 'Stoney' grinned and looked him

"That's me name sir"

Snape went to the boy in front who reminded him of Weasley but shorter and with no freckles he was called Mark Goodwin or Gooders and once again looked at the list

"This is your real name, Daffy Duck"

"Yes sir"

A very pissed Snape walked over to his desk and pulled something out of a folder, to the students horror they were pictures of them selves in year 7 the most unflattering pictures in the world. Snape was happy at the students horror struck faces and gave an inward smirk and addressed the class

"These pictures have your names on the back and there in no mistaking you from them so I will have your real names momentarily"

After a game of mach the picture and person he had the correct names on the sheet and was ready to start. He began to teach about the beliefs of the church and was close to killing Stoney because of his constant crying and being a pain in the bum, his patience snapped with him when Snape was saying about how the church relies on donations and he yelled to the class

"Don't give money to the church it's a big scam!"

"Do you really think that Mr Stone?"

"Yes"

The next thing Stoney knew Snape had his wand out and had suspended up-side down out of a window! He was there for 10 minutes before he was let in then the bell went and he fled to his next lesson, Snape lent back and closed his eyes then said to himself

"Not bad for a first lesson"

You see the button that says review click it!

All the people featured in this fic are real people you see why I get these ideas in lessons!  
V.R


	3. The Red head ferret

Hey I'm back this came to me from a friend and I owe this fic to them 

V.R

The class especially Stoney were dreading their next RE lesson which came sooner than expected due to them having an inset day so they had Tuesdays lessons on the Wednesday.

When they entered the room Snape was no where in sight so they took their seats and began to talk, Amy leaned over to Becca and said "Do ya think Stoney went to Mr Boyle and got him booted out?" there was a hopeful tone to this question. AS if he had been waiting for this exact question Snape strode into the room and it want silent as he took the register.

"Now I want tot know what knowledge you have at present, so we are having a test"

The look on their faces was priceless Snape thought as he handed out lined paper to the students. After Snape had read out the questions twice and given them time to check their answers he walked around the class to ask the answers to his questions. Then Snape decided to pick on Gooders, he swept over to him and said

"What is the penitential rite?"

"Urm… oh I know … a tribal dance"

The whole class exploded with laughter that was quickly stifled by Snape

"SILENCE, now is that what you really think it is?"

"Yes sir"

Outside the class at this exact moment Mr Boyle the head master was showing round some parents.

"We are very proud of our students they follow every rule we set them an - "

He stopped abruptly as the door to E2 flew open and a ginger ferret came flying out of the door and went sailing up the next wall over the ceiling and back down where it commenced to chase it's tail. Mr Boyle looked at the door to see there were 28 heads round the door frame watching the ferret who had only moments ago been one Mark Goodwin. Snape's head appeared in the middle of the class stepped out, scooped up the gravity defying Gooders and walked back to class.

One of the women looked at the head and said

"You allow animals it the class that is disgusting" with that her and her husband left followed by the others with Mr Boyle after trying to make them reconsider.

A second after the door closed Gooders was back as good as new (Well sort of)

"Have you learnt your lesson?"

"Yes sir"

"Is the penitential rite a tribal dance?"

"No sir"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes sir"

"Don't do it again"

Then he addressed the class with a promise that the test would continue next lesson, which happened to be tomorrow because of the lesson shifting

"Now I will take in the tests so that you wont be able to alter them at your home's."

"Yes sir" the class responded with something that resembled fear in most but in Amy and Becca's voices sounded like admiration.

"Now as a small add on I don't ever want to hear that you have told anyone I turned someone into a furry animal, do I make myself clear? If not you will meet the same fate only I wont change you back but feed you to a very big bird"

"Y-yes sir"

The class went out and Snape locked the door so he could put his feet up and have a cuppa.

What do you think? Be nice I am getting kind of depressed

V.R


	4. Don't drop the bread

Hey all 

Disclaimer: the usual

The next day the students were on edge not just because of the fear Snape would turn them into field mice but, also as the ofsted inspectors were looking round and the fear that they would walk in on Snape hanging a student out of a window was also pressing in on them. The only two that seemed relatively calm were Becca and Amy who were talking calmly.

"He is soooooooooooooooooooooo fit" Any poked her lovestruck mate

"He is going to see you"

She pointed at Matt L who was talking to his friends unaware this conversation was about him because of the code that was used.

"F is fit" (this is not swearing but in case anyone who knows him reads it and tells him we cant have that)

Snape interupted this conversation by striding in and saying good morning to them

"If I recall we need to continue our test" A smirk spread across his face and he walked over to Gooders confident his time as an animal had made him learn… he was oh so wrong.

"Now can you tell me what is the tabernacle is … Andrew?" he said addressing the boy next to Gooders who looked to be thanking God.

"The place where the bread and wine is kept sir?"

"Well done Andrew that is correct now I want you to write down what he has said while I pick a question for someone else"

Gooders was talking AGAIN he cant keep his gob shut and the stress was beginning to show on Snape's face

"Mark what is the communion rite?" he hissed

Gooders looked at his friends and they shrugged so he guessed and not a wise one at that

"Don't drop the bread"

The ofsted took this particular time to stop on the corridor to make notes when they heard a noise

THUD

"Wow sir good shot right in the head!"

"Its an over-head projector Vs Gooders' head you can't possibly miss!"

"I told you his head was hollow! Nothing between the ears"

The bell rang to signal lunch, the ofsted took off at fu;; pelt not wanting to tell anyone for fear. Gooders left supported by his friends and the class left looking strangely forware o the next tine.

R&R PLZE

V.R


	5. Bill Bailey

My mate gave me a good idea so this will be the last chapter 

Disclaimer: the same

Today was the day the ofsted report came in but no one cared. Snape was teaching about how Jesus saved the world from sin, and how he rose again. The only problem was the boys were constantly asking questions like

"Why would he bother?"

"Why didn't he chuck a few bolts of lightening and run for it?"  
"Do you mean for your hair to be that greasy?"

Snape turned to see the class taking notes and doing their best not to laugh even the two at the front whom were quiet most of the time.

"Do any of you actually go to church?"

The class looked about and said nothing

"Do you even believe in God?"

Stoney spoke up

"I don't"

"You are in a catholic school"

"So"

"If you do not believe you should not be in hear"

"I have the right to a catholic education"

Snape sat down breathing heavily on Stoney's desk trying not to chuck him out of the window.

"Its not like he is real sir"

"YOU WILL BELIEVE IN JEBUS…JESUS"

Amy only hearing Jebus leapt up onto the desk doing the funky dance (Lots of pointing and swaying) while saying, "Yeah he is so cool"

"Well its nice someone has faith in our lord" Snape said

"What?…oh **HIM**…the Messiah " she sat down then stood back up and said

"One more thing Jesus was BLACK!"

Snape snapped forgetting his wand he grabbed the person closest (Stoney) and dangled him out of the window by his shoes.

"SIR MY LACES ARE NOT TIED"

"I'M FALLING"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH - "SPLAT

Stoney was squished and the class looked out of the window at the mass of red … pieces that used to be Stoney, the only two sat down were Becca and Amy, then Holly said

"Who are all of those people coming out of the woods and…EATING STONEY!"

Then to everyone's shock including Becca Amy said

"A concentrated society of cannibals roam the woods around our school…some break free of tradition. You may have heard of one Bill Baily"

Realisation dawns on her

"MY PEOPLE"

She ran full pelt at the window and leapt out where she met up with Bill and they headed off to the forest.

"That was different," said Becca

At this point Mr Boyle ran in and pointed at Snape and the class-who had gone back and sat down-and began yelling at Snape

"YOU'RE FIRED, FOR KILLING ONE STUDENT AND LETTING ONE ESCAPE BACK TO THE CANNIBALISTIC SOCIETY FROM WHICH SHE WAS BORN"

Battle cry in distance-

"She's baaaaackkk," said Becca who was rocking back and to slightly

Without a second thought there was another SPLAT and the head was no longer in the class to put it one way. There was once again a crowd round the window as Amy turned up as the leader dressed in ragged clothes with red nose day paint streaked on her face, the empty packet sticking out of her mouth. No one stopped them eating they couldn't be arsed. Then Amy looked up at Becca and gestured to come with them, Becca looked at Snape

"I am no longer your teacher"

Becca beamed and leapt out of the window-not before kissing Matt-landed on her feet and was presented with a bow and arrows by Amy then they once again disappeared followed by Matt and Frank who would get married to Becca and Amy. Snape then swept out of the class never to be seen again. Although the odd student was hit by an arrow while in the or near the woods, nothing was ever proved.

FIN

R&R PLZE

V.R


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